Worth It
by Takk-ansi
Summary: Lily can't take that he's been away, that he doesn't acknowledge her, that the war has made him a shell...that he doesn't love her like he used to. Just a snippet I wrote for a much larger story. Written as SiriusxLily but really it can be any guy.


Really this could be about Lily and anyone if you just change a few things and it seems like a PWP but that's because it's only a moment from a much larger story.

To set it up, Lily and Sirius had a bit of a lengthy affair the previous year. Sirius couldn't handle the guilt of it or keeping it a secret from James and in the end decided his friendship was more important than their relationship even though he loved her. The war got particularly bad as well and some of the things he's had to do and see have hardened him against pretty much everything. Blah blah~ doesn't matter it's just some smut for you to enjoy right now.

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><p>She couldn't sleep. Not even the stars, bright tonight and gleaming their soft lullaby, could lull her to slumberland like they usually did. She tossed and turned and searched constellations but no matter how hard she tried, her mind would not let him out of it. Every cell in her body was aware of how close he was. After an entire, far to eventful summer from him, now that he was only a little ways away from her it was like her whole body was electric and reaching out to him in hopes of finding a charge. Lily huffed and threw her covers off so she could stand to pace, this was so silly, he didn't even like her anymore. But was that really true or was that just something he'd forced himself to believe… she couldn't tell but there was definitely something up with him and it had to be the war. What had he seen in the months he'd been gone?<p>

She should've brought it up the moment he returned but truthfully, he'd been so inward and angry, his temper always looming in his eyes that she'd been terrified of what it might make him do. She used to be certain that he would never hurt her… now she wasn't so sure. Standing to look through the curved glass of the window she wondered which room he'd be in. The order's headquarters had loads of rooms but only a few were occupied tonight. Her eyes caught a light on the ground below, square and window like, the silhouette could be no one else. He was there, only a few rooms above… right this moment, and she felt that pull again. Lily needed him, badly, she needed him in the only way that he seemed to want her anymore… and didn't that just work out perfectly for the both of them. As long as she kept her eyes closed and away from his she could fabricate what she needed and for a while, just a while, maybe she'd feel okay.

The thought that he wouldn't be there crossed her mind as she left her room and made her way to his. She also wondered how to react if she found another girl in there, but that was an easy solve. She just wouldn't knock and then if someone else were in there she'd just walk right back out. She could hear her mother scolding her in the back of her mind, she was correct he was a terrible influence on her but one that felt so right Lily couldn't bring herself to care. She met no one on the way up and thanked fate for being on her side this time when she slipped silently from the hall through his unlocked door. She stayed still for a moment to let her eyes adjust to the dark of his space.

It smelled like him, she still remembered even though they'd hardly been close since January, and she allowed herself a few lungfuls before inching towards his bed in the shadows. She stayed away from the windows in case he woke and drew his wand or something, though if she weren't so knotted in anticipation and nervousness she would've thought that lurking in the shadows was a worse idea. But she made it to his bedside without incident and knelt down to study his sleeping face. It wasn't fair how much softer he looked in sleep, how nice. How he used to look only months ago, before the war had turned for the worse, before his guilt at what they had ate at him. It frustrated her so that he had been able to lock all of that away and push it to the back of his mind. She hadn't been so lucky, she'd had to feel every single moment without him for a year and it damn near drove her insane. Weeks of not eating, months of worrying and wondering if there was or had been anything else she could've possibly done to help him. Her family told her repeatedly that there wasn't but how could they be so sure? They hadn't known him. And of course she couldn't go to their friends, for his sake, though she suspected Remus already knew.

She smiled at his carefree state and let her finger ghost over the stubble on his cheek though immediately pulled it back when he took a deep breath and shifted. She didn't want to wake him yet, his empty eyes would greet her, even in the night the light from the stars would illuminate the dark emotionless pools, but she needed to start what she came for so she could get some sleep and be alert for the mission tomorrow. So very slowly she climbed into his bed, never second-guessing herself at all, and moved to straddle his abdomen. The moment her left knee settled next to him his arm whipped to life pulling his wand from somewhere she couldn't see and he pressed it right against her heart as he lifted himself to be ready for a fight. It scared her certainly but he would recognize her. His bed was perfectly placed so that the soft glow of the sky fell on her but even if he sat up it would only touch his back. His face was in shadow, she thanked fate once again. She felt the wand tip slip and his chest relaxed just a bit so she took it as her sign that he figured it out and quickly shed her shirt. "But Lil…" she leaned forward to silence his mouth with hers not wanting to hear her name, it sounded so dead coming from him anymore, and pressed their chests together.

He must've still been a bit bogged by sleep because she physically had to grab his hand and move it to her body. But it seemed then he finally realized he was awake and this was no dream. He deepened their kiss and held her to him with both his arms, his body flexed against hers. Lily could feel every muscle shift and conform as he situated himself, reaching behind her she smiled as they all tightened, her hand gripping a particular one to bring it to rise. Sitting up to better focus on what she was doing, he sat up further as well so he could bring his mouth to her chest. Her breath left her in a gasp, amplified by the space and silence of his room, and she had to abandon her mission to push her fingers into his hair. Her back arched of its own accord, wishing to get ever closer, as a hand slid slowly down to conform perfectly to her ass, as it used to. It felt just as she'd thought it would… or as she was making herself believe… it was kind of hard to tell, but it didn't matter because she felt okay, better than okay. She wasn't prepared for him to wrap her underpants in his fist, for him to literally pull them from her body, but she couldn't deny that the surprise felt heavenly, like he couldn't get to her fast enough… like old times.

Resting her head between his shoulder and neck she let him play, his mouth was constantly moving. To her ear, over her cheek, down to her collarbone, his hand worked in its marvelous way and had her chest heaving into his. She could feel him behind her, fully aroused, no need to go back to work there and she was quite done with the foreplay. Lifting herself back to sitting position she forced Sirius down onto the mattress with both her hands and scooted backwards on her knees until she was hovering inches away from where they both wanted to be. She wished she could see his face, the face she wanted him to have, full of lust and love and passion. But the shadow obscured it and so she closed her eyes to imagine it. It must've taken longer than she thought because she felt his hands slide up her thighs to grip her hips. His fingers burned hot and cold against her heated skin in a delicious contrast and she cried out in pleasure and surprise as he invaded her completely and without apology. He held her hips in place disallowing her any control over the matter as he trust into her achingly slow and with purpose, her hands supported her against his chest and her head fell forward to block everything but this feeling out.

He loved her, he wanted her, he could never feel this way with anyone else. Lies lies lies trailed through her head but for this moment they were truths. He took mercy a few minutes in and sped up his actions, his hand leaving imprints against her hip as he moved it across her stomach and up to cradle a breast. This gave her the freedom to move herself and she matched the rhythm of his thrusts by moving down to meet him. It didn't take long, or maybe it did, time seemed to extend and shorten all at once when they were this close to bliss. Wordless words fell from her mouth, her hands clenched into fists against his chest and her movement slowed as the pressure built unable to focus on both, her legs shook as she got closer and he could feel her tightening around him, but instead of going harder he stopped and with agonizing dexterity had risen to his knees and pushed her back against the mattress.

Sirius hovered over her and she could feel the smirk on his face, he had probably expected this all along the bastard. But she clamped her eyes shut and focused on better memories until his arms slid beneath her to hold her shoulders from behind and he repositioned himself. Actual words fell from her mouth this time, incoherent and riddled with gasps and breaths and moans, but still actual words that meant nothing to him anymore. I love you, I need you, I want you, Fuck me. He drove himself so deep inside, pulling her to him hard with every forward movement, that any and all other abilities were rendered disabled. She'd never felt closer to him. And then he let something slip from his own throat, some deep animalistic sound of pleasure and she knew he was close because his movements sped up again, he was chasing it down, that feeling of ecstasy so close to pain. Locking her legs around him and pulling his face to hers she kept him as close as was humanly possible as they tensed, freezing and locked together they fell, spiraled downward and came undone in each others arms.

They rode the tidal wave together and then relaxed, collapsing on and around each other. Lily stroked the hair at the nape of his neck as she got her breathing under control and just generally enjoyed the feel of him with her. His back was smooth under her fingers and she idly traced the notches down his spine until he moved to prop himself on his elbows. She could see him opening his mouth to speak, feel his intake of air, and she had to stop it before he ruined everything. "Just let it be, Sirius." She smiled and covered his mouth with her fingers, which were replaced by her lips only a moment later. Her hands cupped his face, moved down his neck and across his shoulders before she broke away from him and sat up. She reached for her shirt and quickly put it on, luckily it was long enough that she could forego underwear without being too obscene, just in case she did run into anyone on the way back. She cut off his words twice more as she pulled her hand from his and quickly crossed the room to the door, she could tell he was getting frustrated but she didn't care. Tonight she was selfish and nothing was going to ruin it. One last look at the outline of him on his bed and she softly closed the door and tiptoed back to her room where she would finally fall asleep, her body aching in the most delicious ways.

Tomorrow she would regret it, have to come to terms with it, have to look him in those cold emotionless eyes again. But it had been worth it.


End file.
